Book 09-02: The Perks of Being a Wallflower

How does one feel infinite?

Recently, tumblr has been a huge influence on me and has made me do things including reading this book. Quotes from the book have been posted, reposted, blogged and reblogged many, many times enough for me to get curious about it.

The book is about Charlie and this one year in his adolescent life. It was an easy read because it is similar to a journal-format. Charlie writes letter to this anonymous friend about his adventures, misadventures, thoughts and whathaveyous.

I like the book because it deals with one's issues about the self. How people are trying to find themselves, that kind of sh*t baga. I like it because I was able to relate to the story in its general sense. Not to the drugs, sex and violence part. My adolescence has been very, very wholesome, thank you. It's just that I'm in this phase in my life (for n number of years already) wherein I am still trying to find el raison d'etre. I'm starting to think that it is a myth. Maybe we just have to take one day at a time and not try to find a deeper meaning. If people have this one reason for existence, they might have to spend their entire life looking for it. What if they never find it? Maybe life should not be taken too seriously. Or else I would lose my mind trying to find the very elusive raison d'etre.

We are here for a lot of reasons. And maybe we'll never know most of them. But even if we don't have the power to choose where we come from, we can still choose where we go from there. We can still do things. And we can try to feel okay about them.

But here's the thing, you still have to live your life. Unlike what Charlie did. He lived life through the experiences of others. He was a wallflower who observed life go by from his little corner. And being a wallflower is what I am guilty of. Because of shyness and also the fear of failure, I have been watching things from my corner. I know I've been missing on a lot but it seems my fear of failure outweighs the thirst to experience life first-hand. So I want to change that. Maybe I should stop being afraid too much. This book made me realize that I am indeed missing out on life. Like Charlie, I also want to be aware that it was I standing up in that tunnel with the wind over my face and try to "participate."

I feel like a big faker because I've been putting my life back together and nobody knows. Ditto. I believe nobody even knew that my life fell apart. No, it didn't fall apart in a drastic and dramatic manner. It's just that suddenly, I didn't know what to do. The book even has a term for it~ the trance.

The trance happens when you don't focus on anything and the whole big picture swallows and moves around you.

And yeah, I do think I am in trance. Still in it and figuring out a way how to get out of it.

Anyway, here are some excerpts from the book:

"We accept the love we think we deserve."

"I love Twinkies and the reason I am saying that is because we are all supposed to think of reasons to live."

"It's just that I don't want to be somebody's crush. If somebody likes me, I want them to like the real me, not what they think I am. And I don't want them to carry it around inside. I want them to show me, so I can feel it, too. I want them to be able to do whatever they want around me. And if they do something I don't like, I'll tell them."

" I don't know what's wrong with me. It's like all I can do is keep writing this gibberish to keep from breaking apart."
hmm... this might be the reason why I blog.

"I don't know what I'm supposed to do now. I know other people have it a lot worse. I do know that, but it's crashing in anyway."

"I know I'm thinking too fast again and it's all in my head like the trance, but it's there and it won't go away."

"Please believe that things are good with me, and even when they're not, they will be soon enough."

I love this book. It's so.... how do I say this, umm... applicable to me.

And so the question... how does one feel infinite? I am not sure if I do want to feel infinite. Is that even a good thing?



Next book: The Five People You Meet in Heaven