Big Girls Don't Cry

I've been meaning to write an entry but every time I am in front of the pc, my mind just blacks out.

Last Thursday, I turned 25. That means, I'm a quarter-of-a-century old. This has got to be the most uneventful birthday ever. Devoid of feelings of anticipation, the day passed by just like any ordinary day. This year, I didn't even have a countdown. Before, I used to have countdowns right after December 25 and pester my sisters about it so they won't forget to get me a gift. And this year, I didn't even care. Although I got neat gifts.

Before, I used to look forward to celebrating my birthdays. I don't know why this year, I wasn't really keen on celebrating. Maybe because turning 25 means I have to face the reality and act like a grown-up. Nobody's going to buy that I'm-a-25-year-old-trapped-in-a-14-year-old-body stint anymore.

There's this emptiness in me that needs to be filled. The worst part is, that, I don't even know what that emptiness is. My cousin who has been here just recently told me that when I get to their age (which is mid-30s) I will feel the emptiness they feel. I said what if right now I am also feeling an emptiness. She said that I am not feeling it yet. What if we're both feeling the emptiness but different aspects of emptiness. I don't think she was in any position to tell me what I am feeling is insignificant compared to what she is feeling.

I want to do a lot of things but I feel as if I can't do it without the help of others. And these others that I want to help me aren't really helping me out. They want me to be independent. But what if I need them so I could reach that independence? What if I need them so I could realize my dreams? They just don't get it and think that I want everything done for me. But what if I need them to show me how it is done and little by little, leave it to me when I already know how it works?

Again, I'm blaming it on others. There's no one to blame but myself. Time and again, I know I just have to decide when I want to be happy, start a business, get a scholarship. It's just a decision I have to make. I should stop relying on others and start counting on myself. 5 years from now, I will be 30 and by then I know I have to live my own life.

My dad has a point when he told me I should start thinking about my future. They wouldn't be here forever to support me. My sisters, on the other hand, will start a family of their own. If I end up alone, I'd be miserable. Therefore, I have to start thinking of my future and how to reach my goals.

Lech naman ang drama. But I reckon it's true. I need to work on things now.

So ang theme song natin ...



It's time to be a big girl now
And big girls don't cry