I did it my way.... not.

It will be December already tomorrow and before I know it, it is already the Year 2006.

Right now, a myriad of thoughts are going through my head. A lot of whys, whats and hows. I have never been so unsure in my life. I feel lost as to what I would really want to do with this so-called life of mine. I want to be carefree and living one day at a time but I can't stop worrying about the future. Yeah, I do worry about the future. Although I may not look it, I do care. I am scared of what the future holds for me cos right now I feel very pessimistic about it.

Another year has passed and I haven't done anything that's relevant to human existence. I remain to be such an insignificant homo sapien en la tierra. Of course, I am not expecting much from myself but I also want to stop living a mediocre life. I fear I am forever doomed to remain in this state of mediocrity and inertness. To reiterate and give emphasis to my discontentment, I just want to say that I feel life is not short. It is but a long, meaningless journey towards nothingness. I would be much happier if it was much shorter.

I hate the feeling of uncertainty. Hate hate hate.

babaw

I am such a shallow human being.

I just noticed that just recently but it's actually been going on for 3 friggin' years. I may be suffering from what they call the Peter Pan Syndrome because I don't wanna grow up!

I really hate that I am so indecisive as to what I want to do with my life right now. When I was younger, I was so sure I wanted to be a lawyer. Everyone thought I was going to pursue my dream of becoming a lawyer. Then I realized it wasn't my dream. It was someone else's dream for me. Even if I took up a course directly related to law, I kind of knew that I didn't want to become a lawyer. And so I withdrew from law school just after 2 weeks into it. My parents were disappointed, of course. I myself am disappointed because I think I fell short of my parents' expectations. I am pissed at myself because I didn't dare think for myself what I want to do with my life. I was so keen on pleasing my parents that I didn't try to think of other options. I was never the confrontational, aggressive type and from that alone, I should have taken my cue. I am so not lawyer material.

Though I still hope I am headed somewhere. I believe that in life, there are no accidents and things happen for a reason. So for whatever reason that may be, I hope it would lead me somewhere. I just wish I am not an aimless soul. I still wish to find my reason for living, as cheesy as it may sound.